change my pitch up, smack my bitch up (like a pimp)

I like writing the post titles better than the actual body of the post.

I can't think of anything good today (or for the past two weeks, apparently) so I will just steal an idea from Stephen Colbert (with whom I feel I have an instant rapport (if that joke went over your head, it's because it's well above the earth's atmosphere in a geosynchronous orbit (and it wasn't even very funny))).

On Notice:
Dust mites
George Bush (the old one)
AIDS
The western hemisphere
Mary Tyler Moore
The electric chair
Pope John Paul II

Dead to Me:
People from the 19th century
Jack Johnson
Big League Chew
Dr. Seuss (actually he's dead to everyone)
Titanium alloys
Whoever keeps stealing my newspaper
Drawn Together

Well that wasn't a very good post. Oh well, better luck next time.

I wish I knew how to quit you

Oh man, that line gets me every time. So tonight is the 377th annual Academy Awards, for achievement in uh... lithography. No, movies! Movies. I knew that one. The ceremony (why do they call it a ceremony? it's not a baptism) will be hosted by Jon Stewart, popular TV comedian and local oaf. Many have expressed concern that Stewart will ruin Billy Crystal's long-standing tradition of not being funny. When asked about how he felt to have an award named after him, Oscar the grouch said, "Fuck, this joke sucks. I'm gonna go eat some garbage." When did this become a fake news story? Oh well, let's go with it. A high-ranking Pentagon official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Johnny Cash is fucking awesome and the guy who played him in the movie should totally win for best actor. "Something Phoenix, I think... You know who I'm talking about, he was in Gladiator." Then he tried to give me some kind of secret launch codes, but I told him to fuck off.

AP reporter Alan Smithee contributed to this story.

motivational speakers

I experimented with another version that actually shouts motivational slogans at you, but that made it really hard to listen to sonatas.

grand wizard re-opening

Once again, my creative ambition outweighs my apathy (don't worry, not by much). So it's time for some new posts, and this lovely new design that only took three years to make. Here's some of the things you can expect to get here:

Words. This one I think is self-explanatory.

Explosive diarrhea. Did you eat the chili? I told you not to eat the chili.

Some light humor. The bulk of my discussions will center on policy analysis, but I always try to throw in a quip here and there.

The plague. Oh, what the hell! Plague for everyone! There's plenty to go around!

Kung fu action grip. Batteries not included (or necessary). Action figure sold separtely (on eBay).

Also, if you click those circles at the bottom of the page, you'll be overwhelmed by a barrage of colors.