I wish I knew how to quit you

Oh man, that line gets me every time. So tonight is the 377th annual Academy Awards, for achievement in uh... lithography. No, movies! Movies. I knew that one. The ceremony (why do they call it a ceremony? it's not a baptism) will be hosted by Jon Stewart, popular TV comedian and local oaf. Many have expressed concern that Stewart will ruin Billy Crystal's long-standing tradition of not being funny. When asked about how he felt to have an award named after him, Oscar the grouch said, "Fuck, this joke sucks. I'm gonna go eat some garbage." When did this become a fake news story? Oh well, let's go with it. A high-ranking Pentagon official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Johnny Cash is fucking awesome and the guy who played him in the movie should totally win for best actor. "Something Phoenix, I think... You know who I'm talking about, he was in Gladiator." Then he tried to give me some kind of secret launch codes, but I told him to fuck off.

AP reporter Alan Smithee contributed to this story.